The 2026 Writers' Astrology Forecast

 

In 2025 I tried everything to sell my novel, and nothing worked. 2026 is going to be my year. Why? Because I've just now remembered the one avenue I didn't try--reading the stars. No, not stars like Daniel Day-Lewis. He's too inscrutable. I mean the actual stars, planets, and what-have-you in the sky. What wisdom do they hold? When the moon is in the second house and Venus aligns with Mars, that's gotta mean something, right? Right? Come on; this is all I've got left! 

But I refuse to only selfishly do my own astrological chart for 2026. We writers are in this together. So, I'm going to give every writer a personal, extremely accurate prediction of their publishing highs and lows for the coming year. No, I don't know anything about astrology, per se, but I personally don't view that as a barrier to my prognostications. After all, I used to read my horoscope in the newspaper sometimes. I do know that astrology is a tricky science, especially if one is born on the cusp of...something. And there's the whole ascendant/descendant thing and all kinds of angles and planes and parallel versus perpendicular lines. Although I might be confusing astrology with geometry.

So, without further ado, let's see what 2026 holds for us.

ARIES (March 21 - April 19)

Those born under the Aries sign are, as you know, natural leaders. They're even sometimes referred to as pioneers. With that in mind, it's finally time for you to embark on that late nineteenth century historical fiction novel you've been meaning to write, the one in which a family travels by covered wagon all the way from the deep woods of Wisconsin to the Kansas plains, and then gets eaten by a band of hostile indigenous people. (Oops---didn't mean to give away the ending.) Hire that publicist now, because your natural extroversion makes you a shoo-in for intimate small-town bookstore signings, especially in Kansas. Those people can't resist heartwarming stories of human sacrifice. 

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)

Ahh, Taurus. You know who you are---lazy, lover of creature comforts, attuned to nature; especially lolling on the grass and gazing up at the clouds. Yet, once someone can get you up off your ass, you write with bullish determination. That long saga you've been writing off and on for the past eleven years, that meandering story that has yet to find a point, deserves to be published (finally) this year. Your serene nature steals you against the disappointment that is sure to follow, but luckily, you won't really care. Once you experience that massive failure, feel free to stretch out on the bed for a long, luxurious nap (with your cat, which you no doubt have). You, as you know, deserve it.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)

The twins. They always say, two heads are better than one, except for that sibling rivalry that's always punching it out inside your brain. That interminable battle poses a writing challenge, for sure, but the good news is, like all twins, you'll outgrow it, and 2026 will be that year. Because there are two of you, it's been difficult to settle on a particular genre, but your innate creativity and problem-solving skills have at last led you to pen that self-help book, "I Know You Are, But What Am I?" And what could be a more opportune time to publish it? With the country at one another's throats, your book will offer just the salve needed to calm those squabbles and foster a "timeout". You will truly be the problem solver all Geminis are known to be.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)

While those born under the sign of Cancer are known to be moody as hell, this trait can be used to your publishing advantage. Thus, that YA novel you've been working on whenever you felt like it, the one that involved lots of slamming doors as you struggled with your plot, the one that had you pouting in front of your screen, while intermittently bursting into fits of giggles at the "fun" parts, will surely strike a nerve with every sixteen-year-old girl out there in the reading universe. Your novel's popularity will be right up there with...(checks notes)...John Green and...others. So, now's no time to sob in the bathroom. If anyone tries to break your stride, just yell, "What do you want? I'm busy!" Now, get to it! (That is, if it's okay with you.) 

LEO (July 23 - August 22)

Leo is the sign that's linked most closely to the sun itself, so you know what that means! It's time to step up to the bridge and set course for sci fi riches! No need to remind you how hot the sci fi genre is---hot as the sun, some might say. A word of caution: be mindful of your inherent vanity, arrogance, self-centeredness, and need for attention. Who do you think you are---William Shatner? Don't be too proud to accept constructive criticism, especially when it arrives in the form of two-star reviews. With all this in mind, fire up your flux capacitor, because your new novel is about to take off. "Heatwave Horizon" will be in warp drive until it burns to the top of the sales charts. And may the sales force be with you.

VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)

Virgo is the sign of nature, literally separating the wheat from the chaff. This aligns perfectly with your well-crafted mystery novels. Readers are constantly surprised to find that it wasn't Colonel Mustard in the library with a candlestick, but Mrs. Peacock (a-ha!), and she wasn't in the library at all, but in the billiard room with a rope. Your misdirection is so cagey, no wonder your fans keep coming back for more. And now, with your upcoming release of "The House of Many Potential Weapons, Volume 46", people are already guessing what it'll be next---a malfunctioning Roomba? A cat sprawled strategically across a stair step? An unopened tub of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter? The betting markets are going wild! That's a sure sign of name recognition, and you've earned it!

LIBRA (September 23 - October 23)

Libras like you are the perfect choice to pen courtroom dramas. After all, Libras are referred to as "wise adjudicators". Readers loved the gripping dialogue in your last novel, especially the back and forth about a "Code Red". Sure, it's been done before, but not with dolphins! And that little dolphin wearing lifts---he sure was scrappy! Of course, this bodes well for your new 2026 novel, "Threat and Danger in the Dark Darkness: A Harrison Chrysler Mystery". As you know, Libras crave justice above all, which you manifested frequently when penning this new novel. In fact, your wife never stopped being startled every time you burst forth with, "I want the truth!" while glaring at your laptop screen. Whatever you're doing right, keep doing it. Some may call it plagiarism; I call it strategic borrowing. 

SCORPIO (October 24 - November 21)

As a Scorpio, you're honest to a fault. Some may find that off-putting, but you abhor insincerity. This trait serves you well as you pen your literary fiction. It's high time everyone knows just what's what, as you see it, and of course, the way you see it is the correct way. Your books are notable for having no plot, but rather a series of long treatises explaining why you are right and everyone else is wrong. While yours is a niche market, you've made a tidy little income for yourself from readers who are not only tired of being lied to, but enjoy a good old-fashioned reprimand. Your extensive collection of leather-bound works (only The Poors purchase digital media) will have a new companion in 2026, with the publication, "Contemplations on Me", your most exhaustive work to date.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)

The word, "Sagittarius" always makes me laugh, and that makes you and I kindred spirits of a sort. Sagittarians (heh) are the fun-loving spoke in the astrological wheel. You are confident, spontaneous, and optimistic---all things most people hate, but they work for you! That's why your fantasy novels are so unique and almost-popular. Your characters all tend to be friendly, fun-loving elves, gnomes, and dwarves, who don't so much do battle with thieves and assassins, but rather, go on camp-outs and make s'mores. But you always include a quest of some sort; it's just that the main characters are having so much fun along the way, they forget why they're questing. Don't let all your negative reviews deter you. Keep your chin up, as you're wont to do! Someday, maybe, perhaps, readers might glom onto your work, especially if they find themselves in need of a good pep talk.

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)

You know what they say---Capricorn is the GOAT. You are ambitious and disciplined, but above all, you're persistent! That's a wonderful trait to possess in the world of indie book publishing, because you, more than anyone, know that success in publishing is a long game. You're not one to let the failure of your 56 previous novels deter you! You've got stick-to-itiveness! And number 57 could well be the charm! The stars are saying this novel will work, because you've finally nailed down a genre. As you know, KDP turned down your request to choose "Book" as your main category, and throwing darts at the actual list of choices really killed your marketing efforts. So kudos for your persistence! As an Amazon browser, I'm sure to come across your novel...somewhere.

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18)

As an Aquarian, you're sick and tired of being confused with an aquarium. Do you look like your can support fish? Even monetarily? Not with you unfortunate sales record! But that's all about to change in 2026. You've worked hard to overcome your natural emotional detachment, and what better way to do that than to pen another (better) romance novel? Granted, readers of your previous romances weren't keen on the main character compiling pro and con lists of every man she met. And you've since learned from brutal reviews that romance novels require a "happily ever after". You've got the hang of it now! You can pretend with the best of 'em! You've now even begun eying the guy in the apartment across the hall. He'd be perfect...if he was taller, had better hair, better posture, didn't wear that stupid shirt, bought the right brand of beer, could maybe spring for a new pair of shoes, wasn't... 

PISCES (February 19 - March 20) 

Pisces are always longing to get away. They're overly sensitive and break into sobs at any critical word; they're notoriously bad with money, hate structure and repetitive routines. In essence, Pisces people are a mess. This makes writing the perfect job for you! While it's true that you've never completed an entire book due to your propensity to become too emotionally attached to completely made-up characters, and thus, you've been writing the same novel for twenty-three years, you've decided to finally bite the bullet and bring your saga to a close. You've learned the marketing rules---spend your every last dime on the approximately 3,000 book promotion sites that currently exist or might exist (some of them could be scams, but what's another hundred dollars or so?) Your vivid imagination will make you a bestselling author in your mind, and that's what really counts, isn't it?

 

And there you have it---your personalized path forward for the coming year. Once my predictions, or "charts" pan out, you might consider at least buying me a cup of coffee in exchange for my exhaustive research. As is noted under my sign, I deserve it.