Proving Yourself

I don't know an author who's not insecure. Of course, I don't know any authors, but I read about them. Oh, sure, there are a couple of well-known ones who will, when pushing their latest book, proclaim, "This is the best book you'll ever read", and they seem to believe it. But those people have a whole backlog of success.

I'm talking about indie authors like me who self-publish. We might say our novels are "good", but the question mark is implied. What writer knows for sure if their work is considered good to other people, not just themselves?

I feel pretty confident that Running From Herself is good, but I also realize that I'm grading on a curve. Good compared to what? Then again, all my reviews (all sixteen of them) are very positive. But maybe my book just somehow found the right readers. This is an example of the torture we indie writers put ourselves through.

Like every other person on earth, I'm insecure about a few things--my weight, the way I no longer look like myself now that I'm older, my deficient cooking skills. The list goes on and on. There was a time when I'd be defensive about things like that, but now they're more of a shrug. I am what I am.

On the other hand, I have some great skills, which I don't feel compelled to prove to people. If anyone was to tell me I'm stupid, for example, I'd react like this:

But with writing, I'm a big ball of insecurity. I want validation, but I'm afraid that if my novel suddenly acquired thousands of readers, I wouldn't receive the kind of validation I crave. Sure, sixteen people might really love my book, but what about all the other people? Many would probably point out the novel's weak spots, the ones I'm already sensitive about. (And all novels have weak spots--don't claim they don't.) "Reading this book, I was enthralled every minute" versus "That one part really dragged."

It's strange to want or need validation from complete strangers; I suppose that's what anyone involved in a creative pursuit has to want, though; whether they're an actor or a comedian or a filmmaker or a novelist. Most of them would probably say they need validation for career advancement, but I don't believe that's why. Being creative means you were the "weird kid". 

The first and last time I was lauded for being creative was when I was in third grade. I had a phenomenal teacher who encouraged my creativity, and thus I dared to do things like write plays and get my friends to perform them with me in front of the whole school. But at home, I was painfully aware that of her six children, my mother viewed me as the weird one, because I preferred drawing and playing music, as opposed to learning how to cook and sew. After third grade I tamped down my creativity and just went along to get along. If anyone I went to school with was asked what I was like, they'd respond, "Who?" I made myself invisible.

So, it's a strange feeling after all these years to suddenly need positive attention. It's not as if I never achieved anything in my life. I worked my way up the corporate ladder without a college education; just on the basis of ability and hard f'ing work--and people skills, which one acquires when they're a quiet person who studies people a lot. I wrote music and recorded it, and nope, never became famous, but I didn't want to be. I just wanted people to listen, and quite a few have. (And that's under our band name; not my name.)

I don't want fame as an author. I write under a pen name, after all, so even if by some miracle my writing career took off, it wouldn't be "me", per se, who became a household name. No, I just want more than a few someones to say, "That April Tompkins, she's a great writer." 

I don't know why I need that, but I do.