My Problem With Marketing Advice

I'm dying for some good book marketing advice, but I've come to the conclusion that such a thing doesn't exist.

I get that people write articles for $$. Nothing wrong with that. If I could make some money writing 300-500 words (piece of cake!) I'd jump on the bandwagon, too. But the thing is, self-published authors actually read those articles, and while you, the paid bloviator, gets a few extra dollars in your bank account, we get nothing but frustration and wasted time. 

And stop copying what everyone else is saying! You're not helping!

What it boils down to is, nobody has the answer, so they just throw spaghetti at the wall, making the mess we're already in even messier.

Not everyone who writes a marketing article is mercenary. There's one guy whose blog I subscribe to who genuinely wants people to succeed, but he's also got a business to run and he naturally wants to get more eyes on his content. My advice--yes, I have advice, too--would be for him to stick to the topics he's an expert in, and skip the ones in which he's just spitballing. 

Here's a miscellaneous assortment of marketing advice I've read ad nauseam:

If you want to succeed in marketing, write the next book. Better yet, write a series.

Okay, but how does that help me now? I'd like to sell the book that's already written. 

The common theory is, build up a back catalog, then offer your new book for free. This will drive sales of your other works, because readers will love your free book and go searching for more.

SPOILER ALERT: This doesn't happen. Ever.

By the same token, "Offer Book One of your series for free. People will get hooked and buy the rest."

SPOILER ALERT: Not every genre lends itself to series writing. "Hey, loved that literary fiction novel of yours. When's Book Two of the series coming out?"

We general fiction/non-fantasy writers respond, "What? The story is over!"

When posting on social media, don't just plug your book. Talk about your writing process, post photos of your workspace, pull memorable quotes from your book.

SPOILER ALERT: Everyone on social media is pushing something. Being coy about that is a waste of time and effort.

My novel doesn't have any "memorable quotes", at least none that spring to mind. My main character doesn't give soliloquies; she just talks. 

If I post a photo of my messy desk, will people buy my book? Maybe the article writer is going for the pity purchase. (That doesn't work, either.)

Find your ideal reader and target him/her.

Many articles advise drawing up a bio of your book's ideal reader. Know what that is? Busywork. Here's my ideal reader: probably a woman. Now what?

When these experts tell you to target your ideal reader, they never explain how to do that. Where do I go to target them? The writers don't know, either, or they'd tell us. 

Okay, where do women go online? A retail clothing site? Pretty sure the store's not going to add my book to its inventory, along with its sweaters and leggings. Women's forums? Eeeek! My novel is probably the exact opposite of what liberal women are interested in. It doesn't denigrate men. Sure, a couple of the male characters do a couple of shitty things, but that's what people do. It's not gender-specific.

After that, I'm stumped. Don't they go to the same places I go? Amazon? Social media? I don't know how to specifically target women on social media--create a post that reads, "For Women Only. That's right. I'm talkin' to you, sister!"? 

I once tried this advice out by subscribing to a bunch of country music sites on Instagram, but you know what? I felt silly commenting on a post with something like, "This is exactly what I talk about in my novel." First of all, I'd be infringing on someone else's space, plus, people follow a site like that for music/music news; not to be spammed with poorly-disguised book ads.

This particular piece of advice is a premise without a follow-through. 

My personal opinion is that marketing involves behind-the-scenes SEO stuff more than anything. So, choosing the right keywords in KDP and slotting your book into the right categories. I'm told that even a book's title should incorporate SEO, but I prefer to keep the artistic elements artistic (I do have my limits).

SEO plus a great cover. And a compelling blurb, if one is even possible to write. Reaching out to people to convince them to buy your novel is hopeless. So give me more marketing articles about SEO--you know, something I could do that actually works.

Keep your touchy-feely tips to yourself. That's great for writing a story, but terrible for marketing.