Luckily, I'll Never Be Interviewed

As I was browsing today as I'm wont to do, I came across a list of questions an interviewer can use when preparing for an author interview. Since I'll (luckily) never be asked to do a sit-down or even a stand-up, I decided to go through the questions and answer them. Why? Why not? I'll acknowledge that my actual answers would probably be nicer, but really, where's the fun in that?

So, here is everything you ever wanted to know about "me":

 

Author Questions: About the book 

1. What do you hope readers will take away from your book? A lighter pocketbook.
2. What might readers not know about the book just from reading it? You’re assuming someone is going to read it.
3. What's one thing you know now that you wish you'd known when you started writing? That I wouldn’t make any money.

 

Author Interview Questions: Craft and Inspiration 

1. Did you use a functional outline, or was it just chaos that somehow worked? I used a dysfunctional outline.
2. How many drafts did you go through en route to the finished product? There was kind of a bad one, but it was the middle of January. I’ve since caulked the windows.
3. There's a moment on page [x] where your protagonist [significant action]. Were you aware of the implications when you wrote that passage? Nope, no [     ] that I can recall.
4. What advice would you give to aspiring authors in your genre? Become a plumber.
5. If we were at a bar right now and you were four whiskeys in, which writers would you admit to stealing from? The one at the next table. Luckily, he’s four whiskeys in, too, so he won’t notice.
6. Is there a particular scene or passage you're incredibly proud of? No.
7. Which passage gave you the most difficulty? Were there sections that required dozens of revisions? The “not making money” passage. Still no revisions to that.
8. What surprising discoveries did you make during the writing process? (shrug)
9. Did you have to cut anything significant from the final version? My wrists. Kidding!
10. How has your writing evolved since you first began publishing? It’s gotten less successful.
11. What's one writing rule you believe in and one you think is made to be broken? Making money. Not making money.
12. Do you think about your audience or write primarily for yourself? Neither.

 

Interview Questions: Author Personal Experience

1. Which character/aspect of your book do you most closely identify with and why? Whichever one is the most hopeless.
2. How did your personal experiences shape this book? Well, I have failed a lot…
3. How has writing this book changed you? It made me way more cynical than I already was.
4. What was your research process like? What’s yours like?
5. How long did completing this book from initial concept to publication take you? Don’t remember; I was drunk most of the time.
6. Could you describe the physical space where this book was written? Yes, I could. Do you find your writing environment enters your prose? You mean literally enters it? Not that I know of.
7. How do you handle feedback and criticism? I tell myself to F off.
8. What themes do you find yourself repeatedly exploring in your work? How to somehow make money. Oh, in my work?
9. How do you determine when a piece is finished? Generally when I’ve written the last line.

 

Interview Questions: What’s Next for the Author?

1. After finishing this manuscript, did you immediately start something new or spend three weeks staring at a wall? I basically just drank and smoked a lot.
2. What would be essential to preserve if your book were adapted for film/television? My paycheck. I'm pretty much surviving day to day.
3. What are you working on next? Dinner.
4. Many writers describe the strange experience of rereading their work years later. What aspects of this book might surprise your future self? I wouldn’t read it.
5. Is there a genre or format you haven't tried yet but would like to? Maybe calamari. Oh, you said genre!

 

Best Author Interview Questions

1. At what point do you think someone should call themselves a writer? They can call themselves anything they want. What do I care?

2. What difference do you see between a writer and an author? They’re two different words.

3. Have you ever considered writing under a pseudonym, and why or why not? Not telling.

4. What do the words “writer’s block” mean to you? It’s bullshit. An excuse for not wanting to write.

5. How do you process and deal with negative book reviews? I don’t get any reviews.

6. Are there therapeutic benefits to modeling a character after someone you know? Maybe, if I really hate that person.

7. What is the most difficult part of your writing process? The thinking part.

8. How long have you been writing or when did you start? Today? About three minutes ago, when I started answering these questions.

9. What advice would you give to a writer working on their first book? Good luck. You’ll need it.

10. What, to you, are the most important elements of good writing? People paying money for it.

11. What comes first for you — the plot or the characters — and why? I just type.

12. How do you develop your plot and characters? I write a sentence and then I write another sentence.

13. When did you first call yourself a writer? You’ll be the first to know.

14. How do you use social media as an author? Obviously unsuccessfully.

15. What’s your favorite and least favorite part of publishing? The not making any money part is my least favorite.

16. What would you say to an author who wanted to design their own cover? Like me? Delusional.

 

Author Interview Questions about Their Book

1. How many books have you written and which is your favorite? I hate them all.

2. What part of the book did you have the hardest time writing? The beginning, middle and end.

3. What part of the book was the most fun to write? No recollection of that happening.

4. Which of the characters do you relate to the most and why? Whichever one is the most hopeless.

5. If you’re planning a sequel, can you share a tiny bit about your plans for it? No.

6. What is a significant way your book has changed since the first draft?  (shrug)

7. What perspectives or beliefs have you challenged with this work? I don’t understand the question.

8. What inspired the idea for your book? My fingers began typing.

9. How would you describe your book’s ideal reader? Anyone. I’ll take anyone. Seriously.

10. How much research did you need to do for your book? Ehh. I Googled a bit.

11. How important was professional editing to your book’s development? Not important enough to pay for.

12. What was your hardest scene to write, and why? All of them. Because.

13. What characters in your book are most similar to you or to people you know? Well, I’m an actual person, so we don’t have a lot in common.

14. How long did it take you to write this book?  Apparently, not long enough, judging by sales.

15. How did you come up with the title for your book? I needed three words, and these three worked.

16. Would you and your main character get along? I’m pretty hard to get along with.

17. If you could meet your characters, what would you say to them? Nothing. I don’t approach strangers.

 

Fun Author Interview Questions

1. What is your writing process like? Are you more of a plotter or a pantser? I’m a plantser.

2. What do you need in your writing space to help you stay focused? Alcohol might help.

3. If you were to write a spin-off about a side character, which would you pick? Whichever one is the poorest, so the two of us can relate.

4. If you could spend a day with another popular author, whom would you choose? I don’t know; name one; anyone. Preferably a living one.

5. What is your schedule like when you’re writing a book? It involves a lot of swearing.

6. Have you ever traveled as research for your book? I’ve never traveled for any reason.

7. What’s your favorite writing snack or drink? Again, anything with an alcohol content is fine.

8. How do you celebrate when you finish your book? I generally cry over its impending failure.

9. What do you think of NaNoWriMo? Worth it? What? Is that a Robin Williams thing?

10. What is your kryptonite as a writer? I don’t follow cartoons. Is this symbolism for something?

11. What risks have you taken with your writing that have paid off? LOL!

12. When was the last time you Googled yourself and what did you find? I found other things that distracted me.

13. Which of your characters are most likely to be an activist, and what kind? I really, really hate activists, so none.

14. Do you play music while you write — and, if so, what’s your favorite? No. I need both hands for typing.

15. Have pets ever gotten in the way of your writing? Like how? Like they wanted to take over for me? More power to ‘em.

16. If your book were made into a movie, which actors would play your characters? I don’t know; who’s the most hated?

17. Have you ever killed off a character your readers loved? I don’t have any readers.

Questions about Writing

1. What is the most valuable piece of advice you’ve been given about writing? When I told myself to quit.

2. What do you think is the best way to improve writing skills? Why bother?

3. What advice would you give to help others create plotlines? No one would ask me for advice.

4. What has helped or hindered you most when writing a book? Knowing no one will buy it.

5. Does writing energize or exhaust you? Or both? Yes.

6. What is the best money you’ve ever spent with regard to your writing? I’ve never spent any money I would consider “best”. Worst? Sure.

7. What are common traps for new authors? Well, it depends on what kind of infestation you have.

8. How many hours a day do you write? Too many, apparently.

9. What are your favorite blogs or websites for writers? Mine, I guess? I don’t read other people’s blogs.

10. At what time of the day do you do most of your writing? Generally, I need to be awake. Not always.

11. What’s your writing software of choice? What possible difference would that make? Will different software write my stories better?

12. How do you come up with character names for your stories? With my mind. How do most writers do it?

13. Do you participate in writing challenges on social media? Do you recommend any? Seriously?

14. When you’re writing an emotional or difficult scene, how do you set the mood? Candles, a crackling fire, lots of throw pillows.

15. Whom do you trust for objective and constructive criticism of your work? It used to be me. Not anymore.

16. What are the essential characteristics of a hero you can root for? Someone who makes money from their work, but only if that hero is me.

17. What do you do to get inside your character’s heads? I have a really tiny shovel.

 

Questions to Ask Authors about Other Books and Authors

1. What books do you enjoy reading? I don’t read. I’m barely literate.

2. Are there any books or authors that inspired you to become a writer? Ones that made money.

3. What books helped you the most when you were writing your (first) book? What?

4. What books did you grow up reading? Mostly textbooks; then I graduated.

5. What authors did you dislike at first but then develop an appreciation for? For sure, not me.

6. Name an underappreciated novel that you love. I got nothin’.

7. Has any hugely popular novel left you thinking you could write it better? Oh, okay, sure.

8. Have you ever tried to write a novel for a genre you rarely or never read? I’ve already done that eleven times.

9. What book (or books) are you currently reading? I think I might have one on my Kindle. Can’t remember.

10. If you could be mentored by a famous author, who would it be? Anyone who’s a masochist.

11. Do you prefer ebooks, printed books, or audiobooks most of the time? Yes.

12. What are your favorite series or series authors? What?

13. Have you listened to any audiobooks? Which did you enjoy the most? That sounds really boring.

14. If you could be a character in one of your favorite books, who would you be? A successful one who makes money.

15. What author in your genre do you most admire, and why? I don’t read my genre.

16. Have you used an app to borrow ebooks or audiobooks from the library? Why? Is this a gotcha question? Is it illegal?

17. What books have you read more than once in your life? I’ve had a really long life, and I’ve forgotten most of it.

 

Personal Questions for Authors

1. Has writing and publishing a book changed the way you see yourself? Yes. It made it worse.

2. Is there a particular genre you would love to write but only under a pseudonym? I don’t even love to write in my own genre.

3. Do you see writing as a kind of spiritual or therapeutic practice? Oh, great. Here comes the gobbledygook.

4. As a writer, what would you choose as your spirit animal? A successful one that makes money.

5. What spiritual or therapeutic practices help you get into the right headspace? Drinking.

6. At what stage (or stages) of your life have you done most of your writing? The unsuccessful stage.

7. What’s the trickiest thing about writing characters of the opposite gender? Well, if they’re magicians, the tricks come pretty easily.

8. What do the words “literary success” mean to you? How do you picture it? As a big pile of money.

9. If you didn’t write for a living, what would you probably do for work? I wouldn’t.

10. Would anyone in your family disapprove of anything you’ve written? We’ll never know, will we?

11. Does anyone in your family read your books? No family—wandering hobo.

12. Who has been the biggest supporter of your writing? No one.

13. Do you have other writers in the family? See #11 above.

14. If you could invite any three people for dinner, whom would you invite? Well, Jesus for sure. And I suppose two people he could scold—to keep things lively.

15. Would you share something about yourself that your readers don’t know (yet)? I have no readers.

16. If you had to describe yourself in just three words, what would those be? An unsuccessful writer.

17. If you had the power to cure a disease of your choosing, what would it be? My poverty. Although I didn't choose it.