Why I Find Marketing Difficult

Confidence must be a great feeling. I wouldn't know. People love to complain online about how every kid gets a participation trophy, or how parents tell their kids how wonderful they are at everything they do, when in fact the kid is just average. To a great extent, we're a product of those who came before us. I doubt my mother ever received any acknowledgement from her own mother, and thus I never got any from mine. I could come home with a report card of five A's and one B and all she would focus on was the B. Thus, instead of feeling good about my accomplishments, I felt like a failure.

I tried to drive my own kids, too, but not in a cruel way. When they showed a natural ability at something, I encouraged them to become even better. And yes, I liked bragging about their achievements, but not in a nauseating way; just as an offhanded remark or two to family. But my mother's mantra was, "Don't call attention to yourself." She said it so much I became convinced I was an embarrassment, even though I couldn't for the life of me figure out what I had done wrong. 

Thus, marketing my books is an exercise in anxiety. An author has to really feel that her novel is great in order to push it with confidence. I don't think mine is great, so aren't I lying by implying that it is? I can hardly put up an ad stating, "This book is okay." No, it has to be stunning, original, a blockbuster. 

Most writers are introverts, but some introverts possess a quiet confidence. I have quiet doubts. I've never even told anyone that I write, because one person might ask to read my work, and then if they offered any comment at all, it would be a fake compliment, which I can spot a mile away. If I truly felt good about my work, I'd tell everybody about it. 

Yes, I write under a pen name, but I'm still the one who reads the reviews. Me. April Tompkins is me. And it's me who will be crushed by a bad review. (Apparently, April is the confident half of the team.) All this is why I'm hesitant to advertise my novel at all. Wouldn't it be better for my psyche to just let it fade away naturally? At least then I could use the excuse that no one read it, so how do they know it's not good?

I should be cavalier and have the mindset that, well, someone bought it, so I made some money on the deal. But self-respect is worth more than money.