Letting It Simmer

I had the thought last night, "What if I just leave the novel unfinished?"

Maybe it's self-sabotage; I don't know. I never once envisioned writing another full-length novel, and that wasn't even my intention this time around. The story just kept expanding. I haven't checked my word count and I won't if or until it's finished. Word count means nothing, since I'm a self-publisher. All I know is that, for me, it's a long piece.

I can't explain the emotions I'm feeling at present. I know the story has a lot of good in it, and its scope is sweeping, but am I kidding myself? If I finish and publish it, won't it be one more disappointment among a dozen other disappointments?  Time and again, to pour my heart into something, only to watch it die on the vine crushes my soul. I grew philosophical about my other books' failures. There'll always be the next one, I told myself. But I don't think there will be a next one this time. I think this one is it. 

Non-writers will find this silly, but we become emotionally attached to our characters. I've lived with Leah so long, I know her better than I know most real people. She's gone through a lot, but if no one cares but me, what was her life worth? To put the book out there, only to have people take one quick glance at the cover and say, "Nah" will be a slap in the face ~ to Leah and to me. Maybe she's better off not venturing out into the world.

And while I'm technically writing the last scene, I'm well aware that I need to go back to the first third (or fourth; who knows?) of it and completely rewrite that. It might not be difficult to do, writing-wise, but psychologically? I'll need to pretend I'm just getting to know Leah, when in fact I really know her. It'll feel schizophrenic. 

There's a school of thought that once a writer finishes their novel, they should go back to the beginning and revise it. I get that.

Google's AI tells me:

Fresh perspective:

After writing the entire novel, you have a better understanding of where your story is going, allowing you to refine the beginning to better align with the overall narrative.

Character development:

You might realize new nuances about your characters as you write, which could require adjustments to how they are introduced in the beginning.

Pacing and hook:

Reviewing the opening can help you ensure it grabs the reader's attention right away and sets the right pace for the story. 

 

That all makes perfect sense. Leah was a different character when I began writing her. I had no idea who she was. In my "non-planning" writing approach, the only hook I had when I started was that her band was descending into irrelevancy, and she wasn't necessarily bitter about it, but resigned to it. So, yes, she was morose...and angry. A typical unlikable main character. While all those circumstances will remain, I suppose I'll need to lighten up on her,  or at least show contrasting personality traits. 

Grabbing a reader's attention right away will require reworking the opening. Again, there was no planning involved when I started. What I do is, I just write. Once I come up with an opening, I let my imagination unwrap the story. That serves to make the opening bland. And to be honest, the story doesn't get going until it reaches the new parts I've written. That's why as a novella, the story just died. It was hardly an intriguing tale. If I continue with it, I'm going to need to match the first third (or fourth?) to the rest of it. And that means tearing it all down and building a whole new structure.

 

In the end, though, what it boils down to is, is it worth it? Would I be better off imagining that the novel is a huge success, rather than finishing it and finding out it's a dud? I don't know if I can keep beating my head against the wall. 

I could write the best novel ever, only to watch it languish from lack of interest. No, I won't say, wait 'til the next one. I might write another novella sometime, or I might not. I'll sure never write another novel. So this one will be my swan song. 

I guess I'll let my decision simmer a while.